My Blighted Ovum Miscarriage Part 1.
I wasn’t sure I really wanted to write this one, so bear with me guys. But then I realized, it’s really the event that pushed me to actually start the blog in the first place. Scouring the internet for peoples experiences consumed me for nights on end. If I can be someone elses solace, then I should share.
This will be the first that most people hear of our miscarriage. We kept it fairly quiet, only telling close friends and family. Not because we were ashamed or even because we were devastated, which we were. But just because it never feels like the right time… and because the second half of our story gets a little intense, and I wasn’t sure how to share it.
My miscarriage feels like two completely different events. The period of time from the moment I saw the first ultrasound right up until I lost conciousness in the car, feels so far from everything that happened after.
In 2016 we were blessed with our first child, sweet little Everest. He has been everything I never knew I wanted from the moment he was born. After getting married this past August, just three days after our boy turned 2, we knew we wanted to start trying immediately. And to our excitement, it happened pretty quickly.
I got my first positive pregnancy test 4 days before Halloween and then another a few days later. I then went to my local tribal clinic and they confirmed it with yet another test:) And even though we were thrilled, something felt different.
Now I’m not just saying that, trying to sound all “look at how strong my motherly instinct is”, you can ask Nick. I had shared my fears with him several times. This wasn’t my first baby, I knew what pregnant felt like. I didn’t feel tired enough, or sick enough, or cranky enough. But my boobs felt like big sore basketballs and my sense of smell was through the roof. So I listened to him assuring me that every pregnancy was just different. I did however still take a 3rd at home test, it came back positive.
November 13th was the day of our first appointment. It went exactly as planned… until he inserted the ultrasound wand. I knew immediately. I had done the math a million times and new almost to the day how far along I should be, and I knew immediately. There, sitting in my uterus, was a perfectly formed gestational sac, just as it should be… except it was completely empty.
My heart fell out and shattered.
The doctor explained that he was fairly certain we were experiencing what they call a “blighted ovum”. I had never heard of it, but after countless hours spent researching, I’m now a self proclaimed expert, unfortunately. Essentially the egg is fertilized, implants itself like normal, and then my body, doing what it’s made to do I suppose, realizes something is off at a chromosomal level, and doesn’t allow the egg to develop past that point….
But my body missed the memo. It continued growing that little sac and started throwing pregnancy symptoms at me like it normally would. Oblivious to the fact that there was no baby.
Shitty right? Uterus fail.
We were told to not lose hope, that he had seen it go the other way, that maybe I’m earlier than we thought. Countless accounts from women on the internet will also affirm that sometimes it is misdiagnosed. Sometimes the baby appears at the next ultrasound… but I already knew that wasn’t how our story went.
We were ordered to have biweekly blood draws to measure my hCG levels and come back in a week for another ultrasound. Talk about the longest week ever. And although my levels were rising at an almost normal rate…
That next ultrasound showed that same perfect sac, still perfectly empty.
I cried so many tears over the next few weeks. Even though I already knew that eventually my levels would begin to decline, it was torture waiting to hear the results each time. And an even worse torture to hear when they were indeed beginning to do so.
Dragging myself into the lab every week was gut wrenching. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself, with my sore boobs, my light spotting that had begun, and my empty uterus. I had to take a few days off work just to cry and read about blighted ovums until my eyes almost bled. The doctors told us to expect to miscarry soon, as we should have been about 9 weeks by that second ultrasound. That most womens bodies realize around then… except when they don’t.
12 weeks my body thought it was pregnant. That means we were in a terrible game of waiting for almost a month before I really started bleeding.
Now what happened after the bleeding started is worthy of it’s own post, so that will be coming soon.
But that whole 4 weeks of waiting was the strangest thing… I was mourning a baby that wasn’t really even a baby. It’s hard to allow yourself to feel so much sadness over something that never really even existed, when you’ve got a perfectly perfect toddler demanding your never ending love and attention.
I couldn’t quite wrap my head around how I should be feeling or how to tell all my family, so I didn’t. I just kind of existed for those few weeks, waiting for the inevitable.
Now, Nick will get his shining moment in part two of this journey, but it is worth giving him a shout out in this one as well. The whole process made me love him even more than I already did. He was the picture of support, and strength, and understanding. Never pushing me to share my feelings if I wasn’t in the mood, or to stop sharing when he wasn’t. All I can hope for others going through something similar, is that you’ve got a Nick by your side.
It’s a very humbling feeling to realize that something that came so easily once, doesn’t have to be as easy the second time around. That our bodies are amazing, well oiled machines, that sometimes still screw up. And that it is so easy to take things for granted. Suddenly every complaint and dislike I thought I had about pregnancy, was something I found myself longing for.
If you’ve ever experienced pregnancy loss, I am deeply sorry. The fact that some women experience this time and time again, is hard to even comprehend. In a way, I feel blessed that mine occurred like it did. That I was never forced to see that tiny bean on that ultrasound screen. Only to be told that it’s not there on the next.
I see all of you mamas out there feeling defeated and like your bodies have failed you. Please know, you’re still a badass, even if your uterus isn’t. We just have to keep believing that, eventually, things will fall into place <3
XoXo,
The Beautifully Mediocre Mama
16 Comments
Salome
Awh mal, this has me in tears! Thanks for sharing <3 so sorry for your loss, beautifully written
MaloreyMB
Thank you Salome <3 We are so lucky to have an amazing support system of friends and family<3
Cassidy
I’m sorry for your lost! I’m newly pregnant with my second and am trying not to let myself feel too nervous about my upcoming first ultrasound. I can imagine if I was in the same boat, I’d be scouring the internet as well in hopes of finding someone in the same situation. I’m sure it’ll help someone!
MaloreyMB
Congratulations on baby number 2, Cassidy! I will be thinking of you and hoping everything goes as planned<3 The worry never stops for us mamas! Thank you for your support<3
Cassie
Hello,
I am so sorry you had to go through that. I am currently going through a third blighted ovum. Its such a cruel joke from nature!
MaloreyMB
I am so sorry you’ve had to experience this at all, let alone more then one time. Nature works in mysterious and unfair ways. It really is so hard to even know how to grieve for a life that wasn’t really there <3 Thank you for sharing with me.
Hawa Latip
This is my 2nd pregnancy. And 2nd blighted ovum experience.
My 1st pregnancy, i didn’t realized I was pregnant until I was on my 9th week. the scan shows GS size of 5w. Empty. Doctor giving me hope. Probably because I miscalculated my period. Another scan is scheduled 2 weeks after that. only after one week, I started to bleed and well, followed by miscarriage.
Now, I’m currently trying to distract my own mind from the pain of stomach cramp and back pain of miscarriage (again).
This 2nd pregnancy, I knew my pregnancy early at week 6. Got my scan at week 7 and week 11. Both GS shows empty.
Same as you, I knew all along that this 2nd one is a failure, even though everyone else trying to comfort me.
Last Friday, I went to specialist doctor and she said it’s a missed miscarriage already. I was given a chance to miscarry naturally within this week.
Today, here I am, reading your story, knowing that I’m not alone. After shedding so much tears.
Thank you so much for sharing this story.
MaloreyMB
Oh mama, I am so sorry that this is your story right now and that you are having to walk through it a second time. My heart is hurting for you. I’m so glad you were able to find any sort of peace from my story, even just the comfort of knowing you’re not alone. I am currently pregnant with our rainbow baby, who at 29 weeks was diagnosed with a very rare chromosomal abnormality known as Wolf-Hirschorn Syndrome… I was asked if I wanted to terminate as her future may be a difficult one… But after going through my miscarriage last year, I knew I couldn’t bear the thought of losing another, so we are going to bring this special and unique little girl into the world and give her the best life we can while she’s with us <3 Just take it one day at a time and allow yourself to feel and grieve however you need to. Feel free to reach out anytime <3
Michelle Hanson
I have 2 beautiful boys and have now gone through 2 miscarriages, first one was no heart beat and the current (waiting for miscarriage) is a blighted ovum. I am so sorry for your loss, i don’t understand out bodies at all!
Sara
I’m so sorry to read your story. I stumbled upon this whilst doing the very googling you mentioned! We went for our first scan yesterday to see that empty little sac staring back at us and I’ve spent the past 16 hours crying my eyes out and wondering what went wrong. We tried to conceive for over a year and at this point I have never felt so disconnected from my body. I hope it gets better. At least I don’t feel so alone right now. Thank you, beautiful stranger on the internet β€οΈ I’m so sorry for your loss.
MaloreyMB
Oh mama, I’m so sorry you’re traveling this roadβ€ It can be so confusing trying to understand how something that should come so naturally to your body, just doesn’t. But don’t lose hope. You just have to take it one day at a timeβ€ I am so honored that you stumbled across my journey and that it meant something to you. That is exactly why I wrote it in the first placeβ€
Morgan
Thank you so much for this β€οΈ since my miscarriage 2 days ago, Iβve been searching for information, answers, and validation of our feelings. Iβm so sorry for your loss!
MaloreyMB
I’m so sorry for your loss mama β€ Just take it one day at a time. I am so glad my story could give you a small peace of mind β€
Brooke
I am so sorry. I just found out a few days ago the same thing happened. I was pregnant with my first and we were really excited to then be told there was never a baby there. I definitely needed to read this because I have been trying to figure out why I feel so upset when there was no baby there yet. The stress of waiting and having to go back worrying definitely makes it difficult. Thank you for this.
Berlyn
Thank you for sharing. Over this past weekend I miscarried. I started bleeding a bit and was concerned at 10 weeks. I went to Urgent Care where they did ultrasounds and all they could see was an empty gestational sac like yours. They said it may be a blighted ovum but brushed it off like it was rare. They sent me off with “we don’t know”. I went to the ER the next night because the bleeding worsened and I was having unbearable pain. But by the time the ER did an ultrasound everything was gone. I’ll never know if it was a blighted ovum or not. And not knowing makes it harder. I hadn’t even had my first OB appointment because they wanted me to wait until 13 weeks. Reading your story helped me a lot. I’ve been feeling like hell going through this and luckily I have an amazing husband as support. Thank you for sharing, I know it’s so hard to do. I had someone say a blighted ovum isn’t a real pregnancy or miscarriage but it’s just as real as any other miscarriage. I wish you the best.
MaloreyMB
Thank you for sharing your story with me, I am so sorry that this is how it went. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like your grief about your miscarriage is not justified just because there may have not been a beating heart. You still loved and hoped and planned for the baby you thought was there, and the physical pain is still just as real. I hope you and your husband are hanging in there and I’m so glad you have each other, it really makes a difference to know you are not alone. And I am so glad that my story brought you even a little bit of comfort <3