Life,  Parenthood

Dear Sweet Little Rainbow Baby,

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Dear sweet little rainbow baby,

We planned for you, and waited for you, and now that you’re well on your way here, there are a few things I need you to know…

First of all, and this ones important, I love you.

That may seem like a silly thing to say, I’m your mother, of course I love you…

But I know I’ve been a little disconnected, and I need you to know that it has nothing to do with you.

It is simply my way of protecting my fearful mama heart.

You see, you aren’t my first baby. You’ve got an older sibling that fills up a huge part of who I am. I know exactly what it’s like to love a perfect little human completely and fiercely, with everything I’ve got.

And it’s my favorite thing in the entire world, next to loving you.

Unfortunately, I also know what it’s like to mourn one that I never got the chance to meet.

So, even though I hope you can’t feel me keeping my distance, if you can, know that it’s not you… it’s me.

You are perfect.

I was just scared to let my love for you out into the world. Because if other people knew how fiercely I loved you, it would leave me vulnerable if you decided to leave.

But believe me, little rainbow baby, I have loved you fiercely since the moment I saw those two lines.

I am in this. 100% wholeheartedly. It just took me a little bit longer to let my guard down this time around.

But I promise, I love you with everything I am, even though we’ve never met.

Second, please be strong.

Because, you see, that baby I never got to meet, it broke me a little bit.

And I need to meet you.

I need to snuggle, and smell, and kiss, and love on you.

I need to feel you cuddled up in that sweet spot under my chin, the spot that feels like it was molded just for babies.

So please, just keep being the perfect little fighter that you are.

I know sometimes I drink way too much coffee… remember that older sibling I mentioned?

And I just can’t help it… I love over easy eggs, even though they say no runny yolk.

I probably don’t ever get enough sleep and I’m sure my stress level is a little high.

I’ve drank 2 whole glasses of red wine this pregnancy… And I’ve had a few cold cut sandwiches on accident.

I try to eat a well balanced diet with lots of veggies, and fiber, and protein… but you just seem to really love carbs.

So, if you could just overcome all these small obstacles I throw your way, that would be great.

Because, sweet little rainbow baby, you will quickly learn that I am far from the perfect mom. But I promise to be the best imperfect one I can be.

Third, I am so excited.

I know I acted very lack luster for awhile on the outside, but believe me, inside I was shouting my excitement from the rooftops.

It just seemed easier to protect our perfect little world if I just kept you to myself a bit longer. Like sharing you might bring on bad luck.

I promise my anxiety should not be mistaken for anything but that. I know I worry about every single twinge and every single cramp, it’s just something that comes with the territory of loving something so deeply.

But I promise, it does not cast a shadow over my excitement for you.

I feel slightly ashamed at how scared I was and how nervous I still am, like it somehow takes away from you and your importance. Like I made you miss out on excitement from everyone who already loves you.

But you’re out there now, your presence is known, and you’ve got a whole tribe of people just as excited as I am.

So, I hope you can’t feel that little cloud of worry following me around, always present in the back of my mind… because I promise, dear sweet snuggly little rainbow baby,

I can’t wait to meet you<3

XoXo,

Your Beautifully Mediocre Mama

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2 Comments

  • Michelle

    This is awesome, Mally. You have quite the way with words. I’m sorry you had to feel the pain of loss, and I’m sure it’s made you feel stronger and love harder. This new babe is just as lucky as Everest is to share your heart. ❤

  • Dawn

    This is so sweet. I would tell my son (my rainbow baby) that I needed him to be strong too. I’m so grateful he was! He’s 2 right now and I also have a 7 month old boy. They’re my world!

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